


all the senseis of gift giving are coming together

by what_hasnt_been_taken_yet



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, M/M, Pre-Sburb, Trans Dirk Strider, they are just lonely boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28664460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_hasnt_been_taken_yet/pseuds/what_hasnt_been_taken_yet
Summary: Jake wishes Dirk a happy birthday.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	all the senseis of gift giving are coming together

**Author's Note:**

> im not usually a oneshot person but ive written a few in the past week and i like how theyre turning out! so heres one of them

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 10:32 --

GT: Hey dirk! Just thought id pop in and say happy birthday!

TT: Thanks, dude. Honestly, I’m surprised you remembered.

GT: Well you remembered to commemorate mine two days ago and at the time i definitely asked you about yours so it wasnt too hard to keep in mind until now.

TT: Haha, fair. I usually expect people to forget about what I consider practically meaningless anniversaries, especially when it doesn’t concern themselves.

GT: Nonsense! The big double digits is an important milestone dirk! Youre finally entering the vaunted halls of preteendom.

TT: Yeah, because that’s super awesome. It’s been my dream to get flavor-blasted with shitty hormones. Looking forward to my face breaking out to the point of resembling the surface of Mars, not to mention being thrown onto uncontrollable emotional rollercoasters at the drop of a hat.

GT: Well when you put it that way it doesnt sound like the pleasantest of experiences but you have to keep in mind all the good things that come with growing up! Dont you want to get bigger and taller and all that? Personally im psyched especially since with any luck ill end up rugged and strong just like an action hero! You must be somewhat excited by the prospect.

TT: Sure I am. Just don’t know how likely that’s going to be for me.

GT: Oh come on dont be so hard on yourself! Im sure puberty will hit you like a steamroller and youll end up looking just like bruce willis in die hard.

TT: Hah. Wishful thinking, man, but I’ll take it.

GT: Too bad were both boys and we have to wait even longer for our maturity to hit and whatnot.

TT: … Right. We’re both boys. Too bad.

TT: Anyway, was that all you wanted? To wish me a happy birthday?

GT: Well no that wasnt all. I hope this isnt too forward especially considering we havent known each other for all that long but since its your big day and everything i wanted to send you a present!

TT: Aw, man, you got me something? Now I feel shitty for not getting you anything for your birthday.

GT: No no its alright! I wasnt expecting one because again we only met a few months ago.

GT: Im really glad callie hooked me up with your chumhandle because im having a ripsnorter of a time chatting with you! Its been quite lonely on hellmurder island you know and im ever so glad to have more people to talk to now! So you can think of this present as a gesture of goodwill.

TT: I like talking to you, too. Doesn’t change the fact I feel like shit though. I’ll just have to go over-the-top for your present next year.

TT: Or maybe I could just get you something for Christmas? Do you celebrate that?

GT: Whatever floats your boat! Im rather fine not receiving anything but if it makes you feel better to send a little something my way then be my guest!

TT: Will do. I’ll get you the greatest shitting present you’ve ever received in your life, I can promise you that.

GT: That shouldnt be too difficult a task considering i havent really received all too many gifts since my grandmas passing.

TT: Jesus, Jake, if that ain’t the saddest goddamn shit I’ve ever heard. That just makes me want to try even harder. Forget about this being the best present in your life, it’ll be the best fucking thing to ever be conceptualized by a human mind and then gifted to a friend. Think of the most valuable, kickass prize a guy could ask for, then think of something twice as good, and you’re still not even in the ballpark. If you aren’t so blown away by this present that you’re blasted right off that island and into actual civilization, then I’ll have no choice but to consider myself a complete failure and turn in my Most Considerate Friend card for good.

GT: Well then you certainly have talked up this here present! Ill be expecting something absolutely marvelous. Should i prepare for my socks to be knocked into the next dimension?

TT: Definitely. Gotta get those bad boys primed, make sure they’re ready for the whiplash of interdimensional travel. There can be some serious repercussions to that shit.

GT: Right of course. Giving them the rundown now. I’ll make sure they’re in tiptop shape!

TT: Good to hear. Their sacrifice will not be in vain. They’ll go down in history as the first clothing garments to visit another dimension.

TT: One small step for sock, one giant leap for sockkind.

TT: Or something like that.

GT: Hahaha yes!

GT: I suppose i should send your present over now. I cant promise itll be so good as the masterpiece youre preparing for me but im pretty certain youll at least like it.

TT: Hit me.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] sent timaeusTestified [TT] the file “Best_dang_horse_movie_ever.mov” --

TT: Oh shit. Is this what I think it is?

GT: Its the movie spirit! Since im such a sucker for movies and you have an affinity for horses i thought it might be best to send you something which sort of combined both of our interests! Ill admit i dont know all that many horse movies but this one always stuck with me as truly inspiring. You didnt mention it when i inquired into your favorite films so unless you hate it which i hope is not the case then i assume you just havent had the chance to see it!

TT: This is…

TT: Fuck, man, I don’t even think you understand how huge this is to me.

TT: I’ve been itching to get my hands on this movie for years, but my bro never got it for me and I couldn’t find it anywhere on the internet.

TT: Thank you, seriously. This is actually thoughtful as hell.

TT: On second thought, I know I promised to get you the best present ever, but I doubt I can top this. Might just be the pinnacle of all gifts.

TT: The Senseis of gift-giving are coming together and… it looks like they’ve decided to award you the title of gift giving master. Everyone in the crowd is openly weeping. 

GT: Oh please its just a movie it certainly cant be all that great!

TT: Trust me it is. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal to anyone else, but it’s perfect for me, and _that’s_ what makes it such a fantastic gift.

GT: If you say so! I’ve seen it plenty of times before but maybe one day we could watch it together! That way i could feed off your reactions and really relive that movie magic.

GT: Though that would require me getting off this blasted island to hop on over to houston! Or you coming here though thats just as unviable an option.

TT: That would be cool as shit. Too bad we’re stuck where we are. Really wish I could visit you, but there ain’t any commercial flights that’ll take a single passenger to Buttfuck of Nowhere Island.

GT: Well yes that and also it would be really unconscionable for me to let you even come within a mile of this place given all the monsters roaming about.

TT: Yeah, already sounds like a nearly fucking impossible situation, and that’s without me mentioning the fact that I’m from centuries in the future.

GT: Dirk i know its hard to believe but i wasnt joking about the monsters.

TT: And I wasn’t joking about being from the future.

GT: Very funny of you to mock my living reality! See how im practically bursting at the seams from laughing over this? Pretty friggin hilarious dirk!

GT: Whether you take my word for it or not the fact of the matter is theyre very real and very scary and my life is threatened by them on the daily!

TT: Naw, dude, you got it all wrong. I believe you. I know you’re probably thinking I’m being sarcastic like I am in every other situation, but I give you my bro guarantee that this is one hundred percent genuine. I’m not gonna be like the clueless asshole parents from those cliche horror movies who completely dismiss their poor victimized kid when he comes running to them crying about the monster under his bed. I ain’t gonna just glance under there to placate the kid with false promises of safety and the monster’s nonexistence, no way. I’m scoping the whole joint and getting a drop on those motherfucking kid-terrorizers. James P. Sullivan ain’t got nothing on these hands.

GT: Alright alright youve made your point exceedingly clear! I believe that you believe me about the monsters.

TT: Hey, turns out I just found another reason to wish I was on that shitty island with you right now- I could help you fight the monsters.

GT: No frigging way dirk! Dont make the mistake of underestimating these awful creatures because im not exaggerating when i say many of them are huge and dangerous and extremely deadly! You might get hurt and i couldnt possibly allow that! What kind of host would i be if i let guests get brutally maimed by the vicious fauna surrounding my abode? A pretty shitty one if i do say so myself!

TT: You ever consider that maybe you’re underestimating me? I’m extremely deadly, too. Ever seen me wield a sword? Of course you fucking haven’t, because even if I came to you in real life, katana in hand, and you challenged me to a fight, you wouldn’t fucking see anything but a blur, because I’m just that fast. That’s how baller I am with this shit.

GT: Oh really? I suppose its not too unbelievable that youre skilled with a katana especially given my own adeptness at dual wielding flintlock pistols. Im not so sure about the validity of your boasts of extreme quickness though because that just seems humanly impossible.

TT: You better believe it, bro. I’m capable of what can only be considered inhuman levels of speed.

GT: Haha if you say so then i have no choice but to believe you!

TT: See, man? With you and me, those monsters won’t stand a fucking chance. We’d be unstoppable together.

GT: If only that were within the realm of possibility.

GT: Hell you know what would really be the pinnacle of all gifts? Getting to see you.

GT: Not to sound inconsiderate! Honestly ill love any present you decide to get me dirk. I know all too well that taking a trip to my neck of the woods is just not feasible and im really making an arse of myself by even mentioning it. Just wishful thinking on my part.

TT: Don’t sweat it, bro, I completely agree. I can’t think of anything I want more than to visit you.

TT: Though I don’t think I’d be able to get that for you, at least not in time for this Christmas, so you’re just gonna have to settle for the next best thing.

TT: But trust me, if I _could_ make that happen… 

TT: I’d pay whatever price needed paying. Sell my soul to the devil, even, if it came down to that.

GT: Well with any luck it wont come down to bartering with satan himself for us to meet! I know things seem particularly hopeless at the moment but im sure a way for us to see each other will present itself when the time is right! We just gotta hold on for that moment.

TT: I wish I could be as optimistic as you. My damn brain’s just too focused on the reality of the situation to leave any room to be hopeful.

GT: No worries! Ill just lend you some of my positive thinking bro!

GT: How about this since you made a promise to give me the greatest conceivable gift ill make a promise thats just as significant as a way of sharing a little bit of hope with you.

GT: I vow that someday soon we will meet up in real life and when we do well have grand adventures together! And itll be the bees stinkin knees or my name isnt jake english.

TT: Dude, you already got me one badass gift today. You don’t gotta promise me a straight-up impossible one on top of that.

GT: Too late i already made the promise and everyone knows you cant take a promise back! Its bad juju.

TT: Fuck, my mistake. How could I possibly forget that?

GT: Haha yes you really screwed the pooch on that one.

GT: So howd i do are your spirits raised? Did i liven you up a little bit maybe even give you something to look forward to?

TT: Checking my levels right now and… looks like my spirits have gone up by exactly 4%.

GT: Thats good enough for me!

TT: Let’s be real, if anyone’s got the means to make it happen, it’s either you or me. And, while I’m a pretty persistent motherfucker when it comes to getting what I want, I still wouldn’t bet against you.

GT: Hell yeah! You can rest well and friggin assured that im gonna see it through! Its a jake english guaran fucking tee!

TT: Ill believe that.

TT: Think I’m gonna settle in and watch this masterpiece of a movie now. I’ll let you know what I think in one hour and twenty six minutes.

GT: Alright dirk! Ill be anxiously waiting for your critique.

GT: Sayonara bro!

TT: See ya.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:27 --

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter @lucidlyLucid for more fics!


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